Life is all lessons…ignorance is not a destiny…
Relationships, be it personal or business, platonic or intimate, institutionalized or mutual, can never be immune of any mishaps. The very fact of our differences (in terms of background, experience and early conditioning) makes it inevitable any ensuing conflicts or misunderstanding. It has been the foolish presumption of many that relationship could only work on their terms—while totally oblivious to the legitimate concern of others. As a consequence, many unnecessary damages have tainted what could have been a smooth flowing relationship.
Before you continue reading I want to remind you that it is imperative that you first relinquishing your egocentric approach in your relationship with others, otherwise you’ll have a hard time finding that harmony you endeavor. Understand that self-centeredness cause a big hindrance in any effort for a mutually beneficial relationship. If you want to have harmony in your dealings with others, let go of your egotism, assume an open mind and work through to the following factors affecting every relationship.
Expectations
Differing expectations is the most common source of conflicts in any relationship, and this can be more emphasized among married couples. I remember the early stages of my marriage. When my wife and I had fights, my tendency was to leave because I thought it would appease our heated situation. It was long before she have made known to me that my leaving had made her feel abandoned, thus further escalating our misunderstanding. From this experience I have learned that people think differently—the perception of one may not always be the perception of the other. Later I have learned that each of us needs to establish a common ground of understanding, one in which we let each other know what the other is expecting at certain situations and find a meeting point over which we could agree.
Open communication is extremely effective in deciphering each other’s expectations, for in it each could work on ways that would prevent or neutralize any seeming conflicts that may arise as a result of clashing expectations. But for this to work, each must have the willingness to bend their ego: each must reconsider what they think is right and what they think is wrong, otherwise, mutual understanding will be out of reach. Be wise to know that relationships follow the rule of give and take. Do your part.
Trust
People put very high premium on trust, you and I know this. For relationship to grow and flourish, trust must be nurtured always. Avoid doing things that will jeopardize the trust that others have given unto us. Putting our trust on someone carries with it the possibility that we may get hurt or betrayed. This is the reason why it’s hard for us to forgive those who have destroyed our trust, the pain can be oftentimes too unbearable that some of us inherit the character of suspicion, doubt and pessimism. I remember a very close friend of mine whose love had been betrayed. As tears crumpled her beautiful face, she kept on asking why did this happen to her. Her last word before we depart was that she will trust no man anymore. Betrayal of trust has sadly change her perception about the trustworthiness of men with it comes to love. I hope she’ll change her mind in due time— once the pain is gone.
Trust takes time to earn, but takes only a second to break. So be scrupulous in handling it.
Level of understanding
I naturally get irate when my two-year old son would make a mess of the cabinet where his clothes are neatly tucked. But when reason intervenes, and I would tell myself that he’s still young and lacks the understanding to realize his inappropriate behavior. The same principle applies with relationships. One must be able to enforce certain level of understanding that will enable him to tolerate the inadvertent lack of the other. If the other—through good faith— commits an act that hurts the relationship, the affected one should consider the intention—or the situation—behind the act rather than the ensuing undesirable result. I had this friend who is very worrisome when it comes to his finances. Every time we go out to have some fun like going to the movies or exploring new adventures, I always find myself annoyed by his parsimoniousness. At one time though, he incidentally got drunk, and from there he had told me the hardship he had experienced early in life because of poverty. Now I understood and allow him to be as pennywise as he is when it comes to spending.
There are no shortcuts to a smooth relationship. One must learn to see the other in order to know what kind of adjustments one can make to make his relationships with others flourish. Keep in mind that there’s no “I” in a relationship, there’s only “We”. Arriving at a mutual ground of understanding should be our focus whenever we enter into any form of relationship. Remember to always put on your foot on the others’ shoes: it will provide you a map on which to maneuver your every action for the furtherance of a good relationship with others.
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You are very much right when you talk about the ego in a relationship. For a relationship of any kind there is no room for the ego. This is where good self-esteem can come in. When we don’t agree with someone, with good esteem we can see there side of things and learn from each other rather then taking it personal.
Great article and thanks for the reminders.
Debbie
Ego is the number one trouble maker in any relationship. If we could only recognize this fact, we would learn to listen more.
Great article, Walter. I think one of the main reasons why relationships shouldn’t be problem free is that the best things in life are the things you’ve got to work for! If something is easy, it loses some of its value. I know that the best relationships I’ve been in were the ones where we were pretty different from each other and had to work around our differences. But that work together made us come closer together.
Thanks again for the great post!
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You have an excellent point here Tristan. I guess that to have the best, we must learn to work our way through.
Walter, I love the title of this post!!!! – and your fantastic insight!
It does seem that Holiday times, such as now, increase the stress and lack in communication that can wreck havoc in relationships. I believe that all relationships are living breathing, growing, shifting entities and it takes expectations, communication, trust, understanding to guide them.
And although they may not ever be 100% problem free, they can be healthy and fulfilling … and a very interesting journey.
Thanks a lot Aileen. Yes, all relationships are living and must be nurtured. Therefore, we must surrender part of ourselves to make relationships work for us.
Awesome post! I guess people fight because they care.. but yeah darn relationship why can’t it be problem free.. I have been through a few bad ones and actually made me appreciated so much more with the one i have now.
Entering into a relationship will give us an opportunity to grow. Sadly, most are selfish enough not to bend themselves. Wise are those who learn from their relationships, be it ideal or not.
Problem is normal in a relationship without
it you can’t appreciate each other.Arguement is normal to spice up your
relationship. Great post.
I could not agree more Lisa.
I was struck by the your reminder that “differing expectations is the most common source of conflicts in any relationship….” This reality is magnified where we work because the way others view our performance (and value) is routinely the result of our ability to meet the expectations of a boss, coworkers, and/or customers.
My first boss taught me early on that “managing expectations” is an important skill in business success and you remind us here that the same applies in every relationship, particularly those we care most about.
Thanks, Walter, for a very interesting and helpful post. Well done! ~Dawn
Since all of us have different perspective on things, differing expectations is natural. This is the reason why we must learn to listen to others in a relationship, so that we will know their level of expectations and adjust accordingly.
Thanks Dawn.
I think like you said, Expectations is the most common source of problems. At least when it comes to my experience I always had the same kind of problems. Someone was expecting something from me but I never matched that expectation because I didn’t really know that person was expecting. I think that sometimes talking is a good solution. I mean, it’s not like anyone has a magic ball, right?
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Yes, communication is the key to settle differing expectations. But simple as the solution may be, many are not open to it, and this is sad.
I agree with you, once the ego gets in the way is when the problems may come in relationships. But once we let that go and see one another for who they are, the ride gets smoother and clearer communicate is the result. Nicely written post!
Yes, it’s important to try and understand the other person’s behavior. Once you do that, you can learn to tolerate it without it hurting you.
That said, I think it’s possible to be a bit too understanding and tolerant. You might end up being emotionally abused as a result. There are plenty of things that no person should have to put up with, after all.
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