Life is all lessons…ignorance is not a destiny…
I have come to observe the diminishing clarity of our distinction between love and selfishness. More often than not, most of the things we do in the name of love are in fact selfish acts aimed to satisfy ourselves rather than the object of our affection. Being unable to distinguish love from our own selfishness has caused conflicts in our relationship with our loved ones. Allowing deeper examination upon ourselves, we can find that most of our actions have indeed been arbitrary. While it may have been inadvertent on our part, we have to very observant of the true motives behind each expression of affection. The more we are enlightened about the nature of our acts, the more we can effectively express our intentions.
Consider our relationship with our spouses. Men are notorious in being insensitive while women are openly emotional. In expressing our affection with our spouses, we tend to convey our own understanding of what is suppose to be the appropriate gesture of love. Confusion arises when the response we get does not favor our expectations. Eventually we become disappointed; we are out of our minds in trying to understand why the other is not appreciative of our affectionate gestures.
But if we take time to look into ourselves instead of wondering what’s wrong with our partners, we can then realize that we have been selfish all along. How? We did not take the effort of knowing the true needs of our partner. We relied solely on the convenience of our own knowing in affecting our so-called love. Such laziness on our part has spawned misunderstanding with our spouses.
The expression of genuine love necessitates the discomfort of making sacrifices with the exclusive end of benefiting the welfare of the one’s we care about—not of ourselves. To illustrate, let me take the common scenario of a workaholic husband who has no time for his family. In this situation, the husband may appear to be sacrificing all his time including the one allotted for his family in order to fulfill his duty of being a good provider. However, at close examination, the husband may not be aware that his sacrifice was meant to benefit him in terms of recognition, power and competitiveness rather than the well-being of his family. The husband may have put more weight on his career than being a husband and a father. We need to be careful of this common pitfall; we must assess the real reason behind the sacrifices we make, because if not, we may be sending a different message.
The same misconception is common in our interactions with our loved ones. In the area of communication we always put our point across and not listening to what the other is saying. Such is the reason for unnecessary exchange of painful words between us and the people close to us. If love is to dominate, it would have been more of listening and understanding rather than fault finding. The fact that nobody is perfect should be kept in mind if we are to make judgments. If we cannot communicate effectively with the people we care, then we are stubborn with our selfish ways.
Aside from making the appropriate sacrifice to affect genuine affection, there are other factors that we come to believe as an expression of love. Take for instance the way we handle authority and control. And who could better understand this than our children. From the moment they were born we have instinctively mapped their destiny. We want them to be like this, or to be like that when they grow up. We enroll them to piano lessons, swimming, basketball or any activities that we think is appropriate for them. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this; our intention understandably is to develop their interest and creativity. However, we have the tendency to go far by being indifferent to the person slowly gaining its identity within the child. As they discover their independence they learn to aspire things. In effect, they will give us a hint, but oftentimes we strike it down; instead, we force them to concentrate on areas WE like and we force them to adopt our passions. While it may be our intention to guide their path, we have forgotten that they are not us and that they need to express themselves in their own way. If we keep on stifling our children of their individuality, it may come back to us with regrets.
Never will we realize what we did until we wake up one day bewildered at the strange behavior of our children. We sense their unhappiness and are closed to all our efforts to communicate. We try to understand their sudden difficulty but we don’t have the slightest idea. And with all our efforts exhausted we enforce our authority and deal with it our way. Consequently, they will build a wall to hid themselves in, and eventually seek recognition and approval elsewhere, usually from their peers. Notice how many young delinquents are spawning in these progressive times? How about teenage pregnancies? Who could blame them? They receive no love from the only place where love should be abundant—at home. And this applies to the rich and the poor.
Do you have trouble with your relationship with your spouse? Is there a communication gap between you and your teenage child? Are you not in good terms with your parents? Then it’s time to make an assessment.
I believe that love harbors no ill intentions, no grudge, no pain and no misery. If we are having problems with the people we love then we should ask ourselves. Do we really love, or do we only care about ourselves?
Think about it.
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Many people tend to give love in the way they would like to receive it, not the way it is needed; so they think they are giving, when in reality they are taking by using the other person as an element for self fulfilling.
When it comes to children, “It is for your own good”
Even if there is a honest intention, many times people tend to forget that it is a child with the mind of a child and not an adult. It becomes easier to judge quickly and tag the child as lazy or spoiled, forgetting that we, when children, used to be the same way.
Guiding their lives is not the same as driving their lives.
Great post Walter, we need to be reminded of this unfortunately too common mistakes we make sometimes too often.
Raul
How easy it is for us to be blinded by our selfishness. It is very important that we should catch ourselves before we can make further damage.
lengthy post but full of sense. Thanks for sharing. I agree with you. Sometimes, it’s already selfishness that we feel towards others. You think it’s love but it’s no longer love. True love is, you should care about how others feel and not your own feelings. Well, that’s just my opinion though.
Excellent points. Self-examination is simply a necessary part of life that many never come to realize. It’s not something that is taught so we tend to stumble on it after a crisis of some sort.
Your example of the workaholic husband is an excellent one. Another possibility for the amount of time spent at work could also be he is avoiding something at home…intimacy, unresolved conflict, etc.
Great post!
.-= Cyndi´s last blog ..Send Help….STAT(s)! =-.
Actually, self examination is something most of us evade. Why? Because we don’t want to claim responsibility should we commit errors.
A great post Walter, you’ve raise some very good points. Especially, the one about not listening, which I think you also covered is a previous post.
Listening skills doesn’t appear on the school curriculum; I’m wonder when it will. It’s certainly time to consider including it, especially if is our to improve our relationships, not just with our loved ones but those in our everyday life.
Listening is something deep and philosophical; I think that’s the reason why it is not included in school curriculum. Also, I believe that listening is an aspect of maturity. We can only appreciate this virtue as we learn from our mistakes.
One of my pet peeves is the way parents manipulate and control their children’s destiny in the name of love. The truth is, if you stand back and let them figure out their own way, they’ll go all sorts of unexpected places. (Who would have thought, for instance, that this right-brained woman would produce a math genius?)
Great post, very thought provoking.
Each of us has an identity of our own. The more it is stifled, the more we rebel.
This is a great post…Every time my wife and I argue about something, I eventually realize that I am doing exactly this. I am focused on ‘helping her’ insofar as I can feel good about my good deed. if she doesn’t respond positively, my instinct is to get defensive or even angry. luckily, my incredible wife will not just sit and take it and I eventually come around after a much needed chewing out.
Having partner in life is one of the greatest test of love. Being a man, I’m fully aware of my indifference. I don’t know why are nature is such. In my relationship with my wife I tend to be one-sided. I always consider my point and dismiss the side of my wife. How blind I am in not seeing my own selfish ways.
Great article, Walter
This is so true “the husband may not be aware that his sacrifice was meant to benefit him in terms of recognition, power and competitiveness rather than the well-being of his family.” There are so many instances where this occurs. People think that they are showing love, but in reality they are getting more out of their actions than others.
Very insightful post, as always.
Karen
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Just For Today Challenge, Day 28: Just Say No =-.
Being a husband, I had my share of this shortcoming. Whence I’ve sacrificed in the facade of love, I have only benefited my own ends. It was indeed a shame.
Selfishness, I hate this word. Dont be selfish in life. Help others.
.-= Golf´s last undefined ..Response cached until Sun 31 @ 19:03 GMT (Refreshes in 23.99 Hours) =-.
Selfishness is something we should despise. I’m with you on this.
Hi Walter,
My least favorite word is “sacrifice” because I think it is a horrible concept. If we love someone, we have to allow them to be who they are and not force them to sacrifice something because that is what love supposedly does. Love does not require someone to sacrifice.
Love is meant to be unconditional and the problem is that not many relationships are rooted in unconditional love. If I make my husband give up doing something he enjoys because of some need on my part…then that is not love at all. Actually, if I did such a thing, I would be horrified.
Love allows another to be who they are and supports them in their dreams. To do otherwise is selfishness at its worst.
.-= Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..My New Career: How God Has a Sense of Humor =-.
Love is such a very difficult concept to understand. From my own understanding, extending love entails sacrifice. This means we are giving up part of our self for the benefit and well-being of the one we love, thus, unconditional love.
On you part, you may have sacrificed something by allowing someone to be who they are. Loving someone unconditionally affects us in some ways, and the very fact that we endure those effects constitutes sacrifice on our part.
Gee, how straight forward can you get? Love the question you raised at the end of the articles. Love is an over used word, but seldom understood. I’d say we “abuse” love more than not. In the name of love, we seek self gratification… I believe, true love, the unselfish kind you mentioned, can only come from higher consciousness and great mental discipline… well thought out article. thank you.
.-= Yun´s last blog ..Why did the Chicken (soup) Cross the Road? =-.
We use the word love a lot but does not truly understand its essence. To love is to let go of our selfishness and consider the well-being of others.
Moderation is the key to everything. For the workaholic husband, he has to make the money. He is working hard to provide for his family. To him, he is a good dad, to his family, he is not doing his job.
The only solution is, when we want to do something, we should always think about the people affected. If it would affect them in a positive or negative way (But at times we cannot really make the judgement without doing it first)
.-= Watch Entourage´s last blog ..Outline and Origin of Entourage =-.
Moderation is indeed the key to everything and I agree with you on this. Important is to think if what we are doing benefits us and the ones we love, it has to be in balance.
this is the first time i came to your blog.. wow u talk about love. nice to know u thanks…
.-= alfon´s last blog ..Identifying Your Smoker Triggers =-.
Hey Alfon, thanks for dropping by my site.
Hi Walter,
Lots of good thoughts here. I’d have to say that my husband is less selfish than I am. This may blow the stereotypes out of the water. He makes it a point to understand my needs. I learn from him every day.
Great points about love.
True love is about letting the other person be. It’s rare. We try under the guise of love to mold others into what we think they should be. Better to concentrate on being what we want to be instead of projecting our own wants onto another.
Usually the “be” we want for someone else is something we haven’t even attained ourselves.
A bit hypocritical!
thx
Giulietta
.-= giulietta´s last blog ..Falling down the rabbit hole =-.
You are lucky with your husband, it’s hard to find such these days; he does love you very much. It is indeed wonderful having someone that cares about our needs. Unfortunately, most people are blind to the needs of others, even worse is their belief that they know what is best for others.
When I focus on the needs of my wife, and not my own needs, a miracle happens – my needs are met without resistance.
When we satisfy the needs of our loved ones, we are also satisfying our own needs.
Hi Walter
I enjoyed this post a lot. I think you’re absolutely right about love often being a cover up for selfishness. I’ve just written a post for another blog on the subject of loving the work you do, and it made me reflect on what a discipline true love really is. It’s easier to pass off something we want as being in the interests of another – or even ourselves – when the opposite is really true.
Best wishes
Christine
Our own selfishness often prevents us from seeing the true essence of love. Until we remove the “I” in our relationship with others, we can never truly convey the true expression of love.
Walter, you fearlessly tackle deep and complex subjects. Having been happily married for 30 years to the same man, I will say that your love changes as you grow together. The love that took you to the alter grows deeper and richer as your travel the path of life.
Mutual respect will help your love grow. Men say all they need is for the woman to show up naked with beer and chicken wings. But I think they need and deserve respect more than anything. Men and women bashing degrades respect. Entire television shows are based on putting men or women down. It really isn’t funny.
You both have to want to stay in love. Then work to keep the magic and sparks hot. If you are bored with sex, you aren’t working to get better at it.
You also need to stop shopping, once you have decided to make a commitment.
Compromise. If one person gets their way all the time, that relationship will not stand the test of time.
Love is giving of yourself, doing what the other person wants to do, listening to them and hearing their most private thoughts, dreams, and ideas. And it is a two way street.
Great post.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Sacred Mystery =-.
Marriage is one of the most powerful instrument for growth and love. Every aspect of one’s life is tested, challenges are ever present to test a couple’s commitment with each other. A lasting marriage is never easy though, both must be eager to travel the path of growth, understanding and wisdom.
I congratulate you and your husband for growing together and having each other as you journey through the beauty and mystery of life.
Interesting concept. It makes a lot of sense. First time to your blog – enjoying it!
.-= Adrienne´s last blog ..Tales From the Cube: Time Card Counseling =-.
Thanks for dropping by Adrienne. Hope you’ll come visit again and share my thoughts.
I hate to admit it, but I used to hide my selfishness under the pretense of love all the time before I became more conscious of it. Instead of doing things out of the goodness of my heart, I’d do them for my own personal gain and pretend (to myself AND others) that I was doing them just to be a good person. On the outside I was still doing a good deed, but my motives were more out of personal desire. Still, I’ve come a long way from those days and now I think of the bigger picture when committing any sort of act, thinking of not only myself, but of all parties it’ll potentially affect.
.-= Travis´s last blog ..Dream-Play =-.
All of us make mistakes, the important thing though is that we learn from it. If we keep on pursuing our selfish ways, then we will be the one to suffer in the end.
I think it’s give and take. There are times you have to be selfish and times to be alturistic, it’s the balance between the 2 that’s important.
.-= SK´s last blog ..Zombie X-Men Nightcrawler and Beast by Gary Badwin =-.
If give and take should take place under the premise balance, the it’s worth the pursuit.
Excellent article, one that all people should read. It is so easy to get caught up in the trap of telling ourselves that we are doing what we do in the name of love and what we do ends up being self serving rather than giving of our self.
.-= Mark´s last blog ..The Uncertanity Of the Future – Is it Right to Bring Another Child Into This World? =-.
Well, we are all guilty of this. The important thing though is that we should be aware of this.
A very thought provoking post Walter.
I think you’re right that many of us are selfish in our love from someone else. We desire love from other people because it gives us certainty and significance which ultimiately brings us comfort.
The thing is we can actually meet these needs of certainty and significant by loving others 100% unconditionally. We don’t need to pretend to meet our selfish needs at all. In fact when we love others 100% and give that love freely we actually find that we grow and develop into a much better person.
Thanks for sharing Walter
You are right Ben. One characteristic of love is that it is never selfish.
Hi Walter,
Great stuff! As I recently got engaged, my fiance and I have been delving into the idea of differentiation, which is the idea that it is not helpful to be emotionally fused in a relationship, and that compromising yourself and your values creates the illusion of intimacy, but is not TRUE intimacy. Instead, deepest intimacy can be found by working to develop your own sense of self and sharing that with your partner.
It seems that selfishness and sacrifice are on two opposing sides of the spectrum, and that we need to find our balance along that thin dividing line between selfishly acting out our own needs, and bending your will and values completely in order to have the illusion of intimacy with your partner…
Its certainly a gray area in relationships, and people can have similar misconceptions about showing their love on either side of the spectrum.
I certainly admire those who have figured out this dance in their relationships and marriages, and look forward to our journey of marriage ahead!
Thanks for the thought-provoking article!
~Meg
Congratulations Meg on your engagement. Heavenly isn’t it?
There are many things you will learn when you get married. Believe me, your first challenge will be the adjustment period; then the part that you must grow together.
Marriage is one of the most powerful avenue for personal growth. And I believe you will grow old together.
Hi Walter.
You took a valid point and presented some hard-hitting examples there. The husband who works a bit harder sure could be doing it less for his family and more for his own feeling of position. The children examples also is fitting here, as children are left empty in some respects, and then are expected to have filled those gaps by themselves. Fake love doesn’t transmit any positive emotional energy.
I’m glad Armen of your observation. Having experienced this personally, I felt that I must share it to others in order to avoid committing these errors. Our loved one’s are the people who suffer the most.
[...] 28. Selfishness under the pretense of love [...]
Smile is the shortest distance between two people. so Real power does not hit hard , but straight to the point.